the greatest thing to EVER happen (I’m only slightly exaggerating)

I am not a woman that has time for shallow, high maintenance, “girly” girls who have their heads stuck up their asses and barely 2 brain cells to rub together. No time at all! So, I was very annoyed at my friend Ryan when he forced me to socialize with one of these abhorred creatures. He had been sleeping with this person and wanted to introduce her to me, my boyfriend and a few of our other mates.

We met up in a rowdy Irish bar in central Auckland (her disdain evident) when she looked down her nose at me and began harping on about how disgusting she thought tattoos were (while looking directly at mine) and probing me as to what I’m going to do to hide them when I’m “like, all old and shit”. It occurred to me that I really, really wanted to push her down a flight of stairs. However, I’m not violent, so I just smiled sweetly (sarcastically) and told her to mind her own business.

After a few drinks we decided to head to another bar up the road. Now, Auckland is a trashy town. You can’t walk up Queen St at 2am without having to dodge a little vomit and a couple of people passed out on the foot path. Kiwis tend to go a bit over board in the drinking department. The only place I’ve found that is much, much worse is the Gold Coast in Australia, but that’s an entirely different story. For now, it’s back to the snobby bitch princess…..

We were walking down the street, separated from the boys who were talking loudly a few meters ahead of us. She was in the middle of bragging about how her loving parents buy her a brand new puppy (?!) every year for Christmas when *BAM!!!!* She slipped and fell flat on her ass in a pile of someone else’s freshly splattered chunky spew! I burst into laughter so hard tears rolled down my face while she sat, stunned and on the verge of tears herself, her ankle twisted in her huge heels, underwear showing and putrid vomit soaking into her slutty dress. It was priceless.

The boys up ahead were furiously debating something and didn’t realize what had happened so I just walked off and left her there.

By the time Ryan went back for her, she’d disappeared. Oh well. 😀

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Sweet Jane

Swallow your wishful thinking, kitten! There’s no escape from me.

I whisper sweet lullabies over your shoulder, my beckoning breath clings heavy, doesn’t it?

Feel the anxiety as it crawls inside you, the nausea, the sweat that pricks your skin.

You need me, you see, I’m your Sweet Jane. I just want to make you better, kitten. Don’t you want to be better?

Watch me laugh in your mind, I dance and twist, I’ll haunt you and taunt you and tease you ’til you come to me….

And it’s only a matter of time until you come to me.

xx

for love or money

His head spun his skin grew hot. Misery clawed at his heart and choked his throat, forcing his eyes to well, his stomach to heave. He fell to his knees and scrambled for a rubbish bin to vomit in.

“It’s all gone” he thought through fat sobs.

He had wanted to fall in love again for 10 years, a desperate shell with a rusting heart, clinging to hope so it would not slip away from him. His wife would want him to move on, he knew, and it had been so long since her passing, but how could he even begin? His friends suggested an agency, since speed dating and “just meeting people” were absolutely off the cards. He could never convince any woman to date him without some outside help. So he searched for and found one.

The dating agency set him up with a lady named Lily. He had paid a huge fee for the guarantee of a match, as it was something he could not resist. She had indeed been ideal. Charming. Beautiful. Funny. Youthful….. Perfect. He could not wipe the smile from his face after their very first meeting.

His infatuation with her took hold, the heady feeling of being in love swallowed him, he was desperate to feel it forever. The agency could take care of the wedding plans, it was agreed, for a fee…

But then she disappeared without a trace. Leaving him devastated and sleepless with concern for her safety and his near breaking heart. The agency would head an investigation for him. For a lot more money…

It had gotten away from him so quickly that he now found himself bankrupt. All his money was gone, and so was Lily.

He guessed she had been a figment of his desperation all along.

This is from a news headline. I would like to add that the man in this story was taken for over $3million. A court has ordered the “agency” and woman to return it to him.

stirring in the strip club

She said her name was Angel but I really didn’t care. Her cleavage was incredible and although she looked great in lingerie, I wanted to see her naked. After flirting for ten minutes she asked for $50, which I gladly paid, and then led me into a dimly lit private room with an old leather couch.

She was obviously horny when she told me that it was against the rules to touch her. Her eyes glazed and her chest heaved so I knew she wanted me to, I just wasn’t really supposed to. I told her I understood perfectly, she smiled so devilishly and began to undress a meter in front of me.

She swayed and rolled her hips, coming closer and closer to me, then got on her knees right in between my legs and slid off her bra. She leaned into me, pressing her soft breasts hard against my chest. I could smell vanilla on her skin, coconut in her hair and young, hot blood. My jeans grew uncomfortably tight. She noticed and stood up, turning her back on me. Slowly she eased her g-string all the way down to her ankles, never bending her knees at all. What a perfect sight, her bent over so close to me. She was just waiting for it, for me to touch her.

So I reached out and grazed my fingers between her legs. I didn’t get the reaction I had hoped for. She spun around in a rage and smacked me hard in the mouth, yelling at me, saying I was disgusting. What a fucking bitch! She was practically begging me for it. Two seconds later security grabbed me by the shirt, choking me and dragged me to the exit.  He punched me in the face, breaking my nose and knocking me to the pavement. I went to wipe the blood away and smelled her on my fingers. I laughed.

It was worth it.

a noose to hang

This is a true story….

He hadn’t wanted to go into that shed so late in the cold and cursed his mother for not bringing in firewood before she went out. Where was she anyway?! It was too late for a school night. He cursed her over and over until he opened the shed door and jumped at the sight of her figure in the darkness. He fumbled for the light switch.

She had left herself for them to find in agonizingly plain sight, hanging, frozen in death. Her pale face obscured by her auburn hair, her hands, oddly, in her pockets. There was no mystery in her final moments, and no cushioning the blow for her son when he found her.

For a long while he stood, unable to move or breathe or comprehend what his eyes were telling him was real. Finally he snapped and moved to her to save her, to let her breathe and bring her back. He wrapped his arms around her and lifted, easing the tension in the rope, but there was no great gasp for air. With her chest resting on his head he listened for even the faintest sign of her beating heart. Begged for it.

Nothing.

He fell to the floor with a sickening wail, her feet dangling at his head, tears and spit spilling freely to the cold concrete. He felt himself lose touch as he struggled to breathe. Everything spun in his mind, then went black.

His father told him later he had fainted right there underneath her. An ambulance had taken him, but had left his mother where she hanged.

She had not left a note.

a flasher saves the day

Depression weighed my head down and barely let me drag my feet as I tried to jog. I needed some endorphins. Bad.

Ahead of me a pug wandered aimlessly beside the busy road, dangerously close to oncoming traffic. I shuffled lethargically to it’s rescue and picked it up. It had a collar on but I found no owner in sight. However, a nearby gate was ajar and a car in the driveway so I approached the house to see if the pug had escaped from there.

Within seconds of knocking the door swung open and behind it stood a man wearing nothing but sunglasses, his member swinging like a pendulum from the force of the door opening. I struggled to look anywhere but directly at it. The dog was wriggling excitedly so I held it in my outstretched arms and willed the owner to take it so I wouldn’t have to bend down.

He did take it and, after declining his invitation inside, thanked me profusely as I hurried away from his doorstep. I giggled, then laughed hysterically while I tried to pick my feet up to jog. Once I had calmed down my head was a floating balloon and I ran for 30 minutes with a beaming smile on my face.

On my way back to my house the poor little pug was out on the footpath again. I left him there that time.

we’re all prostitutes

I’m not sure why I agreed to a third date with Mike. He wasn’t attractive but for some reason he had it in his head that he was. Mike also thought he was hilarious, which he was not. He took me to nice places though, the kind I couldn’t have afforded on my measly bar tender wages. And despite having hairy knuckles and a tendency to swear a lot he treated me like a lady.

It hit me half way through dinner that, no matter how good the food was, it came at too high a price when he handed me a small box. My face dropped.

“What is it?” I inquired, trying to force a somewhat excited tone.

He said nothing and waited for me to open it.

Inside was a pair of stunning quarter (or so) carat stud earrings. I sighed a heavy sigh.

“They’re amazing, Mike!” I said and drew him close for a restaurant appropriate thank you kiss. He seemed very pleased with himself.

“I’ve booked a room at the Plaza for us tonight” he whispered to me, trying to look romantic but pulling off a weird sort of half asleep look.

My reaction was not what I had anticipated when I had thought about the prospect of sex with Mike. At the start of the night it was absolutely off the table. But now?

“That sounds amazing” I smiled, and reached for our bottle of champagne.

By the end of our meal I was drunk enough not to care too much about Mike’s annoying personality or beer gut, and we went to the Plaza and had some pretty unremarkable sex. He fell asleep not long after he was finished and having no intention of waking up next to him, I snuck out of the hotel.

We never went on another date and I wear those earrings daily. My flatmate asked me if I felt bad about it and I told her honestly, no. She frowned at me then went upstairs to have sex with her boyfriend because she needed him in a good mood before she told him she’d scratched his car trying to parallel park.

I suspected he would be getting a blow job.