the greatest thing to EVER happen (I’m only slightly exaggerating)

I am not a woman that has time for shallow, high maintenance, “girly” girls who have their heads stuck up their asses and barely 2 brain cells to rub together. No time at all! So, I was very annoyed at my friend Ryan when he forced me to socialize with one of these abhorred creatures. He had been sleeping with this person and wanted to introduce her to me, my boyfriend and a few of our other mates.

We met up in a rowdy Irish bar in central Auckland (her disdain evident) when she looked down her nose at me and began harping on about how disgusting she thought tattoos were (while looking directly at mine) and probing me as to what I’m going to do to hide them when I’m “like, all old and shit”. It occurred to me that I really, really wanted to push her down a flight of stairs. However, I’m not violent, so I just smiled sweetly (sarcastically) and told her to mind her own business.

After a few drinks we decided to head to another bar up the road. Now, Auckland is a trashy town. You can’t walk up Queen St at 2am without having to dodge a little vomit and a couple of people passed out on the foot path. Kiwis tend to go a bit over board in the drinking department. The only place I’ve found that is much, much worse is the Gold Coast in Australia, but that’s an entirely different story. For now, it’s back to the snobby bitch princess…..

We were walking down the street, separated from the boys who were talking loudly a few meters ahead of us. She was in the middle of bragging about how her loving parents buy her a brand new puppy (?!) every year for Christmas when *BAM!!!!* She slipped and fell flat on her ass in a pile of someone else’s freshly splattered chunky spew! I burst into laughter so hard tears rolled down my face while she sat, stunned and on the verge of tears herself, her ankle twisted in her huge heels, underwear showing and putrid vomit soaking into her slutty dress. It was priceless.

The boys up ahead were furiously debating something and didn’t realize what had happened so I just walked off and left her there.

By the time Ryan went back for her, she’d disappeared. Oh well. 😀

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