the greatest thing to EVER happen (I’m only slightly exaggerating)

I am not a woman that has time for shallow, high maintenance, “girly” girls who have their heads stuck up their asses and barely 2 brain cells to rub together. No time at all! So, I was very annoyed at my friend Ryan when he forced me to socialize with one of these abhorred creatures. He had been sleeping with this person and wanted to introduce her to me, my boyfriend and a few of our other mates.

We met up in a rowdy Irish bar in central Auckland (her disdain evident) when she looked down her nose at me and began harping on about how disgusting she thought tattoos were (while looking directly at mine) and probing me as to what I’m going to do to hide them when I’m “like, all old and shit”. It occurred to me that I really, really wanted to push her down a flight of stairs. However, I’m not violent, so I just smiled sweetly (sarcastically) and told her to mind her own business.

After a few drinks we decided to head to another bar up the road. Now, Auckland is a trashy town. You can’t walk up Queen St at 2am without having to dodge a little vomit and a couple of people passed out on the foot path. Kiwis tend to go a bit over board in the drinking department. The only place I’ve found that is much, much worse is the Gold Coast in Australia, but that’s an entirely different story. For now, it’s back to the snobby bitch princess…..

We were walking down the street, separated from the boys who were talking loudly a few meters ahead of us. She was in the middle of bragging about how her loving parents buy her a brand new puppy (?!) every year for Christmas when *BAM!!!!* She slipped and fell flat on her ass in a pile of someone else’s freshly splattered chunky spew! I burst into laughter so hard tears rolled down my face while she sat, stunned and on the verge of tears herself, her ankle twisted in her huge heels, underwear showing and putrid vomit soaking into her slutty dress. It was priceless.

The boys up ahead were furiously debating something and didn’t realize what had happened so I just walked off and left her there.

By the time Ryan went back for her, she’d disappeared. Oh well. 😀

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a flasher saves the day

Depression weighed my head down and barely let me drag my feet as I tried to jog. I needed some endorphins. Bad.

Ahead of me a pug wandered aimlessly beside the busy road, dangerously close to oncoming traffic. I shuffled lethargically to it’s rescue and picked it up. It had a collar on but I found no owner in sight. However, a nearby gate was ajar and a car in the driveway so I approached the house to see if the pug had escaped from there.

Within seconds of knocking the door swung open and behind it stood a man wearing nothing but sunglasses, his member swinging like a pendulum from the force of the door opening. I struggled to look anywhere but directly at it. The dog was wriggling excitedly so I held it in my outstretched arms and willed the owner to take it so I wouldn’t have to bend down.

He did take it and, after declining his invitation inside, thanked me profusely as I hurried away from his doorstep. I giggled, then laughed hysterically while I tried to pick my feet up to jog. Once I had calmed down my head was a floating balloon and I ran for 30 minutes with a beaming smile on my face.

On my way back to my house the poor little pug was out on the footpath again. I left him there that time.

we’re all prostitutes

I’m not sure why I agreed to a third date with Mike. He wasn’t attractive but for some reason he had it in his head that he was. Mike also thought he was hilarious, which he was not. He took me to nice places though, the kind I couldn’t have afforded on my measly bar tender wages. And despite having hairy knuckles and a tendency to swear a lot he treated me like a lady.

It hit me half way through dinner that, no matter how good the food was, it came at too high a price when he handed me a small box. My face dropped.

“What is it?” I inquired, trying to force a somewhat excited tone.

He said nothing and waited for me to open it.

Inside was a pair of stunning quarter (or so) carat stud earrings. I sighed a heavy sigh.

“They’re amazing, Mike!” I said and drew him close for a restaurant appropriate thank you kiss. He seemed very pleased with himself.

“I’ve booked a room at the Plaza for us tonight” he whispered to me, trying to look romantic but pulling off a weird sort of half asleep look.

My reaction was not what I had anticipated when I had thought about the prospect of sex with Mike. At the start of the night it was absolutely off the table. But now?

“That sounds amazing” I smiled, and reached for our bottle of champagne.

By the end of our meal I was drunk enough not to care too much about Mike’s annoying personality or beer gut, and we went to the Plaza and had some pretty unremarkable sex. He fell asleep not long after he was finished and having no intention of waking up next to him, I snuck out of the hotel.

We never went on another date and I wear those earrings daily. My flatmate asked me if I felt bad about it and I told her honestly, no. She frowned at me then went upstairs to have sex with her boyfriend because she needed him in a good mood before she told him she’d scratched his car trying to parallel park.

I suspected he would be getting a blow job.